as a people pleaser, failing is a nightmare for me. Here is why failing was exactly what i needed.

Small business life

When I was 18 years old, I started an Instagram account. I started an Instagram account and I did not know what I was doing. I started an Instagram account and I shared photos of my work. I started an Instagram account and I didn’t really have a vision for it. I did not have a vision for it and I posted anyway. I posted anyway and I met some incredible people. I met some incredible people and sold some hand crafted products. I sold some products and posted about them on Instagram.

Okay, I could continue being dramatic about it but I will just lay it all out there. I built a little brand called Bitter Stitch Designs. It was called Bitter Stitch Designs because my name—Mara—means bitter, the first real creative outlet that I started sharing about was embroidery, and I was doing design work. I did some freelance design, but mostly I designed and sold stickers.

Getting in my own way

It was a fun little side hustle, that was slightly more successful than I had imagined, but that isn’t really saying very much. I grew tired of the hustle. It wore me down. And I had TONS of anxiety about what I was doing. Every day, designing stickers felt more and more frivolous and useless. At the time I was studying graphic design, and it just felt like I wasn’t doing real work.

I decided to do a tiny launch of tee shirts. I was so excited about them and they COMPLETELY flopped. Noone, and I mean, not ONE person bought one. I promoted them for weeks and nothing. So, I took down the listing and put a hold on my shop. Luckily, I hadn’t invested anything in them and it was through one of those sites that does all of the ordering and printing for you. But I was humiliated and defeated. I didn’t post a single another thing for almost a year after that, and even after that, it was just some random things here and there. I felt awful and I felt tired. People kept asking me if I was still “doing that art thing” and I had to tell them that I was not because it became too much.

I am exaggerating a little bit when it comes to how I felt, but most of it felt heightened at the moment because of my own anxiety. I didn’t really quit because of one bad launch. It had a lot to do what the toll it took on me to work part-time, go to school full-time, and spend any other waking moment building a brand that I had no vision for. In the end, I gained so much experience in using social media to my advantage, making genuine connections, and it has all led me here. It could have been so much more successful if I had just stayed out of my own dang way. If I had believed in myself a little more, I could have gone so far.

Bitter reality

I am realizing now though, that I had to fail then. I had to fail and learn that it wasn’t the right thing for me to have been doing anymore. In its prime, Bitter Stitch brought me so much. It brought me so much joy, so much insight. It brought me connection and spirit and confidence. It got me an internship and helped me learn about the design industry. It helped me learn that I am not competitive and that I can not spend my life in such a competitive industry. It helped me learn that I am capable of doing things outside of my comfort zone. It helped me learn that I can not and should not even try to control everything. It helped me learn that I am more than my profession. I am not just a designer or assistant or WHATEVER. I am an entire person.

Bitter Stitch taught me to try and taught me to fail. It taught me that failure is morally neutral. I am not wrong or weak or bad for failing. I am so incredibly good and right and strong for getting up and trying again. I spent hours and hours on projects that never saw the light of day. Those projects were not worthless. They taught me lessons that I could not learn any other way.

I could look at the useless and forgotten inventory of stickers that are still sitting in a drawer in my basement and spiral. I failed. I failed, but I am moving forward. I am moving forward and using all of the bits that I have learned to create my dream life. Whatever that means.